Theological Dinosaurs

The following is an excellent article by Pastor Buddy Smith. It is humorous but contains a powerful challenge to the compromise we see in the 21st centurary.

 

NEWS FLASH - Theological dinosaur fossils discovered in Canberra Seminary.

 

“A complete fossil skeleton has been unearthed at Unity Theological Seminary in Canberra,” The Rev. Dr. Ms. Barbarous Theorem commented to the press this week, ‘This is the most exciting discovery in the history of the Seminary. We have cause to believe this is the first complete skeleton of Pulpitosaurus Extinctus ever to be found.’ She identified the excavation site as being underneath the Seminary chapel platform. The chapel, sealed up for almost fifty years, was opened only recently for research purposes.”

After reading the above article, Mr. Steadfast, reporter for The Pilgrim Way requested an interview with Ms. Theorem, and we print the following:

PW: “Ms. Theorem, can you give our readers any details as to the location where Pulpitosaurus Extinctus was discovered?”

BT: “Yes. I should fill you in on the background of this discovery first. We have an excellent ancient history professor at the Seminary named Dr. Revision. For a couple of years, he and his post grad students have been asking if they might do some exploration work in the old chapel. When permission was granted
recently, they went right to work. He consulted the board of regents, and asked where he would most likely find remains of a theological dinosaur if there were any to be found. We told him that we had read in the Seminary archives that the chapel platform had been their domain, and so it would be a good place them to begin.”

PW: “What do you mean by ‘their domain’?”

BT: “Hmmm. I see I’m going to have to tell you about the early days of the Seminary. It was not always as broadminded as it is at present. Many years ago it was a training college for the Baptist ministry. The founders were all Pulpitosaurus Extinctii – real living fossils, theological dinosaurs. Nowadays we call it ‘The Dark Ages’. The founders of the seminary were stuck in the swamps of primitive methods, old fashioned doctrines, and hellfire and brimstone preaching. Thank goodness, those days are gone forever. We are much more enlightened now. For instance, take the Feminar (Feminism Seminar) recently held here at the Seminary. We had almost 2000 women ministers, we dedicated the new meditation centre to Sophia, the goddess of wisdom, and had tremendous media coverage. I was privileged to chair the meetings that met to discuss re-imagining God, and to promote the new Politically Correct Bible Version (PCBV). Our Praise and Worship course, led by Dr. Tonedeaf, has just finished compiling a new hymnal/chorus book for Submergent Churches, and it contains ONLY the most popular Beatles songs! Not only that, but we just received our accreditation as an Emergent Seminary! We are so excited!”

PW: “I see. But I still don’t understand about the chapel platform being the domain of Pulpitosaurus.

BT: “All you men are so dense. Didn’t you understand about the incredibly old fashioned beliefs of those relics of a bygone age? They used to stand on the chapel platform and roar at the poor helpless students. They actually thought the Bible was true. They believed in all those hopelessly outdated theories of inspiration, atonement, forgiveness, holiness, heaven and hell, etc. And they didn’t just keep it to themselves. They tried to force everyone else to believe it as well! And they used the platform in the chapel to actually shout their beliefs at their hearers. That’s why we describe it as being their domain. Is that simple enough for you?”

PW: “Yes, I understand it better than you think. Can you describe the Pulpitosaurus to our readers? The artist’s sketches don’t give much detail.”

BT: “Gladly. The head of the Evolution of Theology Department, Dr. Darwin Huxley, has authored several books on Pulpitosaurus. He believes this species had the largest backbone of any dinosaur, and that it had only three vertebrae, making it almost impossible for it to bend. It also had an enormous chest cavity. Some of his colleagues think that means it had a very large heart. Others are of the opinion it had four lungs instead. The air passages were such that it had a very efficient voice box and could project its cries for great distances. The cranial capacity of the skull, according to Dr. Huxley, was quite small, leaving hardly any space for a brain. And he said one fossil specimen even had a piece of very thick skin still attached.”

PW: “Thank you for that interesting description. That old dinosaur must have been quite an impressive sight. Can you tell us about the subspecies uncovered so far?”

BT: “We are still sorting through the remains that have been dug up, but I can tell you about three subspecies of Pulpitosaurus we have identified. “The earliest fossil is called Pulpitosaurus Apostolos. It had the longest legs of any theological dinosaur we have discovered, and covered great distances quickly, and was so prolific that it left offspring everywhere, Fossil remains of Apostolos have also been found in the Himalayas, the Indus Valley, the Andes, Siberia, the Aleutian Islands and the Australian deserts.”

PW: “Very interesting! What is the second subspecies?”

BT: “Actually the second and third subspecies seem to have diverged simultaneously as the offspring of Apostolos. The type most common was the Pulpitosaurus Pastorus, He was amazingly prolific. Some nest sites discovered indicate the Pastorus may have hatched and cared for hundreds, even thousands of offspring at times. This species exerted such a great influence on their environment that whole primitive cultures were altered.”

PW: “Amazing! And what about the third subspecies?”

BT: “This is the one that still gives me nightmares! When the reports first began to come in on this old fossil, we didn’t know what to call it. We finally decided on Pulpitosaurus Evangelisticus. It had really large and sharp teeth, its voice box was the largest of all and its backbone had no vertebrae at all! Some researchers believe it was capable of breathing fire, and we think it was good at stirring the nests ruled over by the Pastorus. Amazingly, its visits to the nesting sites seem to have resulted in a great increase in the number of eggs that hatched out into more Evangelisticuses and many Pastoruses,”

PW: “I wonder if you could tell our readers why the Pulpitosaurus became extinct?”

BT: “Most of the faculty at the Seminary hold the view that it was simply unable to evolve. It couldn’t keep up with the changes happening all around it. One of our faculty, Dr. Maverick, thinks it died out because it changed its diet from meat to milk. He thinks the later specimens that were discovered show symptoms of malnourishment and vitamin deficiency.”

PW: “What creatures replaced them?”

BT: “Well, we had a real surprise at what we found! Our latest research indicates the next step up the evolutionary ladder was much more sophisticated. Thankfully, it did not have a backbone at all, or teeth, or a thick hide. It didn’t breathe fire or produce fear in others’ hearts. Rather, it moved with the tide, adapted to its culture easily, and preferred lukewarm conditions…. Our professor of Incremental Surrender, Dr. Twoface, says he thinks they should be described as being theologically conservative and culturally relevant.”

PW: “Pardon me for interrupting, but what you are describing sounds awfully like a jellyfish….”

BT: “You might say that. It has nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Evangellyfish … Hmm, I think that might be the very name. It conveys the thought of softness, conforming with its culture, the tendency to drift with the wind and current. Quite a suitable name that is. I will have to pass that on to Dr. Huxley. Thank you for that suggestion”

PW: ‘Glad to be of help. I want to ask your opinion about this. From time to time we come across reports of living specimens of Pulpitosaurus Extinctus being found. Do you think it is possible that there may be some of these theological fossils still alive?’

BT: “Oh, no! Imposible! Definitely not! Those are just unfounded rumours. Uneducated people, people with small intellectual capacity will believe anything. Admittedly, strictly off the record, some eggs were found recently in quite good condition. (Of course, the Board of Regents had them put in cold storage.) Pulpitosaurus Extinctus alive? It’s not possible … at least, I certainly hope not! Oh my, that’s a horrible thought! Modern society couldn’t stand the shock. Dear, dear … surely not! Oh, my … “

PW: “We had some other questions to ask, but the Rev. Dr. Ms. Theorem was so distressed she had to take some Prozac and lie down. We will keep you informed as to any further developments.”

Heads Up! 30th March 2012


Leave a Reply


Latest Issue

 

SA-Edition-2,-2016-banner